Product Warning Labels
If my current employment doesn't work out, I am going to try to get a job writing product warning labels. I think I could be half-asleep or mostly drunk and still do a better job than this. It's good to have a backup plan, y'know.
Check out these actual warning labels found on products:
" Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." — In the information booklet.
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." — On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"For external use only!" — On a curling iron.
"Warning: This product can burn eyes." — On a curling iron.
" Do not use in shower." — On a hair dryer.
" Do not use while sleeping." — On a hair dryer.
" Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." — On a hand-held massaging device.
" Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." — On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." — On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." — On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." — On an electric rotary tool.
"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." — On a container of underarm deodorant.
" Do not drive with sunshield in place." — On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.
"Caution: This is not a safety protective device." — On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.
" Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." — On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.
"Battery may explore or leak." — On a battery.
" Do not eat toner." — On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
"Not intended for highway use." — On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." — On a Holmes bathroom heater.
"May irritate eyes." — On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." — On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."
"Caution! Contents hot!" — On a Domino's Pizza box.
"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" — On a coffee cup.
"Caution: Shoots rubber bands." — On a product called "Rubber Band Shooter."
"Warning: May contain small parts." — On a frisbee.
" Do not use orally." — On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Please keep out of children." — On a butcher knife.
"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." — On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
" Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." — On a battery.
"Warning: Do not use on eyes." — In the manual for a heated seat cushion.
" Do not look into laser with remaining eye." — On a laser pointer.
" Do not use for drying pets." — In the manual for a microwave oven.
"For use on animals only." — On an electric cattle prod.
"For use by trained personnel only." — On a can of air freshener.
"Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." — On a can of air freshener.
"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." — On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.
"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." — In the manual for a jetski.
"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." — A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
" Do not use as ear plugs." — On a package of silly putty.
"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." — On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.
"Warning: knives are sharp!" — On the packaging of a sharpening stone.
"Not for weight control." — On a pack of Breath Savers.
"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." — On the label of a bottled drink.
"Theft of this container is a crime." — On a milk crate.
" Do not use intimately." — On a tube of deodorant.
"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." — On a box of rat poison.
"Fragile. Do not drop." — Posted on a Boeing 757.
"Cannot be made non-poisonous." — On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.
"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." — On a portable stroller.
"Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." — On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.
"Look before driving." — On the dash board of a mail truck.
" Do not iron clothes on body." — On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
" Do not drive car or operate machinery." — On Boot's children's cough medicine.
"For indoor or outdoor use only." — On a string of Christmas lights.
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." — On a child sized Superman costume.
"This door is alarmed from 7:00pm – 7:00am." — On a hospital's outside access door.
"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." — On a sign at a railroad station.
"Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." — On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.
"Product will be hot after heating." — On a supermarket dessert box.
" Do not turn upside down." — On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.
" Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." — On a lighter.
"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." — On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.
"Not for human consumption." — On a package of dice.
"May be harmful if swallowed." — On a shipment of hammers.
"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." — A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.
" Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." — In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
" Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." — From a manual for an SGI computer.
"Warning: May contain nuts." — On a package of peanuts.
" Do not eat." — On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
" Do not eat if seal is missing." — On said seal.
"Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it."
"Access hole only — not intended for use in lifting box." — On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." — On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." — Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
" Do
not use orally after using rectally." — In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
"Turn off motor before using this product." — On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." — On a 6×10 inch inflatable picture frame.
" Do not put in mouth." — On a box of bottle rockets.
"Remove plastic before eating." — On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
"Not dishwasher safe." — On a remote control for a TV.
"For lifting purposes only." — On the box for a car jack.
" Do not put lit candles on phone." — On the instructions for a cordless phone.
"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." — On the packaging for a wristwatch.
What Can $100 Buy? A Night In Jail.
Maybe Warren Robinson wasn't trying to bribe the judge, but he was arrested for bribery just the same when he slipped the judge a $100 bill with a three page letter asking him to dismiss domestic violence the case against him.
Robinson was arrested and spent the night in Duval County jail in Florida on Thursday night after he gave Judge Charles Cofer's assistant an envelope with the note and the cash. He had been at court for a hearing on a domestic violence charge. Now he is charged with bribery and domestic violence.
No word on whether the judge used the money to take his wife out to dinner, as the note suggested, or if it was returned to Robinson.Â
Batman Gives Handcuffs For Valentines Day
In Maryland, 14 people got something they weren't expecting for Valentine's Day. They were arrested, handcuffed and put in jail.
Here's how it went down:
A female officer dressed up in pigtails and a pink jacket and played Cupid for the day. The target of her deliveries were people with outstanding warrants.
The police department arranged deliveries of flowers and gift baskets to the people they wanted to arrest. Deputies drove around in a van that read "Flowers By Ron" on the side and made deliveries to the homes of those people with outstanding warrants.
They called ahead to make sure the people would be home, and when Cupid came calling she pulled out a clipboard, asked for identification and then deputies moved in to make the arrests while the person had their head down signing for their special delivery.
Sheriff Ron Bateman is known for pulling interesting stunts to serve outstanding warrants. In October he baited suspects with letters telling them to come claim tax refund checks worth over $500.
The Batman logo was incorporated into the Valentine's Day sting because during Bateman's campaign, vandals erased the E from his last name. Bateman ran with it and put a Batman sticker on the back of the delivery van and also put Batman balloons in each delivery.
The warrant operation got a lot of media attention, but apparently not quite enough. One woman called to say that she had not received her delivery, so the Batmobile went back out to make the 15th arrest.
Check Out This Turtle Mom
Someone forwarded this page to me on Stumbleupon, but I don't know who it came from or who the author of the page is. It is EXTREMELY cute though and so I'm going to share it with you.
A baby hippo who lost his mother has adopted a 100-year-old tortise as his mommy. Go for the story, stay for the adorable pictures…
Brother, Can You Spare A Kidney?
Finally a story about a cop who is not a good-for-nothing loser! See, I knew there had to be one out there somewhere.
A police officer in Florida has a rare medical condition that he hopes will actually help someone else with their life-threatening medical problem.
Officer Dean Ovshak of Fort Pierce, Florida happens to have three kidneys. Ricky Williams has kidney problems and needs a kidney donor.
Williams is on a list of 98,000 people who are waiting for kidney donors. Ovshak is apparently a REALLY nice guy because he didn't even know Williams before he saw him on television and realized that they have the same blood type. He e-mailed Williams and let him know that he could possibly spare a kidney for him.
So hopefully, if things work out, the score will end up:Â Ovshak 2 kidneys, Williams 1 good working one.
Being Dead Is A Bitch When You Are Alive
A woman from Nashville, Tennessee says that being dead is really a pain when you happen to still be alive. An typo that happened over 8 years ago is ruining her credit report, tax status and basically her life!
Laura Todd says that someone in Florida died and her Social Security number was accidentally typed in and since that time she's had problems proving to creditors and the IRS that she is actually alive.Â
At one point her bank even closed her credit card account with a note of condolances for her death. The IRS has also refused to allow her to file her tax returns – because she is dead to them.Â
But she's not dead! Todd hopes that at some point this problem can be worked out once and for all so she can stop having to prove that she is alive. She says that at first it was kind of funny, but now it's getting old.
Psychologist Sleeps With, Wants To Raise Child With, Mental Patient Inmate
She's a married psychologist. He's a mentally ill convict. They're in love.
Stephanie Reeves has admitted to having an affair with a schizophrenic convicted burglar she counseled in a mental hospital. She is pregnant now, and says that it is his child and that she would like to raise it with him if he is ever stable enough to be releaed.
The 20-year-old mentally ill criminal was moved from jail to a mental institution in England after being diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic.
Reeves was his doctor and says that they would slip off to the bathroom at the mental hospital to have sex when she was escorting him to the gym. Reeves' husband also works at the hospital, but she had separated from him before her relationship with the mental patient began.
Reeves could have been thrown in jail, but since she is due to give birth soon the judge suspended her 12 month sentence.
Pretty Cool Shadow Puppets
I know the topic may not seem that interesting, but give it a chance. I think it’s pretty amazing. 
Red Roses For Your Lover?
Not this Valentine's Day. Well, not from a florist in Wellington, New Zealand who has refused to sell red roses for Valentine's Day.
The florist put up a sign saying that she won't be supplying red roses for Valentine's Day this year because it supports the commercialisation of the "holiday."Â She says they are overpriced, so she won't be selling them this week.
She says that it has embarrassed her in the past to charge customers so much for red roses for Valentine's Day and that it is not the florists that inflate the prices, it is the supplier of the roses.
Who needs red roses anyway? I'm hoping for a 5th of whiskey instead.Â
Husband Arrested For Dumping Porn
What's a guy to do? A Japanese man's wife ordered him to get his porn collection out of their home, so he did. The thing is, he might be going to jail now for dumping his 1,000 porn DVDs inappropriately.
Police say the 33-year-old man violated the Waste Disposal Law by disposing of his dirty movies and they want him prosecuted for it.
When his wife told him to get rid of the trashy XXX collection, the guy apparently bundled them all up and drove them to a vacant lot near his home and said a tearful goodbye.
No word on exactly how they traced the videos back to him when they were found… and I don't even want to think about that part of it… but the bottom line is, he's in trouble now. Hope his wife is happy.
