Had a bad breakup? Holding a grudge? There’s no need to get mad, you just need to get even. Success is the sweetest revenge, and you need to be successful in fucking up someone’s day. So let’s get busy.
Give the Bitch an Itch
Now you can give the gift that keeps on giving with Revenge Crabs. Order a box of crab eggs for your ex, then sit back and wait for the show. The joy of this is watching them itch and burn as they become infested with genital lice.
RevengeCrabs.com offers several affordable packages to get the job done right. Need shampoo resistant crabs? They’ve got them. Need them tomorrow? Consider it done. All you’ve got to do is keep your own bottle of delousing shampoo handy in case of accidental infestation. If you think you’re going to forgive and forget and have make-up sex in a few days, you need to choose another revenge option.
A Box of Poop for the Shithead
At Poopsenders.com you can get a gift for your ex that will leave a lasting impression. Right now you can choose from cow dung, elephant crap or gorilla poop and have a steaming load sent to that steaming load that dumped you. When the recipient receives your anonymous gift, they’ll see a card that they’ll have to dig in to get. The card promises to let them know who sent them a box of shit – on the reverse side of the card. After they fish the card out and flip it over, they’ll know your secret is safe. Poopsenders guarantees you will remain anonymous.
Send a Smelly Fish
Of course, there are also services that will deliver a stinky dead fish to your ex.
Much better than wilted or dead flowers, this one has the potential for long-term impact. If your ex was smelly down there – or even if she wasn’t and you just want her to think she has a problem – this gift may be perfect. Receiving a dead fish is something she’ll never forget, so don’t play this card if there’s a chance of still being friends with benefits.
Spread the Word
If that bastard gave you the clap – and he got it from your best friend – you need to put the word out. DontDateHimGirl.com is a service that lets women warn other women about assholes and the stupid shit they pull on the daily. All men should be screened before dating and this site gives you the raw truth before you’re the next casualty.
Advertise for Them
This idea is simply too precious to pass up when you really need some revenge. Order business cards advertising sexual services and have your ex’s number printed on them. Then cruise the rough side of town, dropping them everywhere. Make sure you hit all the grittiest dive bars you can find and bring plenty of cards.
It’s also recommended that you send a few of these out to your ex’s family to let them know about his or her new line of work.
*WARNING: many people react adversely to receiving elephant shit in the mail or having expectant “customers” in latex appear unexpectedly at their doors–use at your own risk.