Yeah, (oops) She Did It Again

I don’t know how old this is, but it’s a gag-fest. Shouldn’t her handlers make sure she’s put together before putting her on a stage? How hard is it to tuck a string? /facepalm

A Steaming Pile Of Fail

Since when does a teenager getting knocked up make the front page of magazines?

I guess when the teen is the sister of a mentally ill drug addict attention whore and some of it rubbed off on her…that's when.

 

Bleh.

Britney, The Product of Great Parenting

Ok, ok, hold on while I stop laughing and I will tell you what this is about.

Ok.  mmmph…..

Britney Spears' mother is going to write a parenting book.

Compose yourself.  It's true.  Since she did such a great job with Britney, I'd say she's qualified, right? Hahahaaaa… aaahhh.. ok, let me calm down again.

Lynne Spears will be writing a book about raising her family in the spotlight.  The book, "Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World" will be released on Mother's Day 2008.  How sweet.  Gee, I hope it doesn't sell out before I can get my hands on a copy! (I'm being sarcastic, in case you didn't recognize it.)

I think the book should be called, "How To Raise A Normal Child To Be A Train Wreck".  Seriously, wouldn't that be a more appropriate title?  Britney was normal once, right?

Britney Loses Visitation Rights

I wasn't going to post this but I guess it's an important corner in the Britney Spears child custody saga.

Today it has been reported that as a result of Britney's failure to follow instructions, she has now lost all visitation rights with her children.

I could say I'm not surprised, but actually I kinda am.  I thought she had wised up and realized that the court orders were not merely suggestions, but as the name suggests, orders.  Britney apparently gave an ex-assistant's cell phone number as a contact number for her required drug screening, so they are unable to get in touch with her.

So after she fought to get overnight visits with her kids, she's now lost the right to see them at all.  In all honesty, as bad as she is, I don't know if that's really best for the kids either. 

Is she ever going to wise up?  Sigh… those poor boys. 

Get Ready For More of Britneys Va-Jay-Jay

A Britney Spears sex tape?

Yep, as if everyone hasn't already seen Britney Spears' va-jay-jay already – brace yourself. The next few weeks in the internet are going to be pretty interesting. At least if what is being reported now is absolutely true . I have no way of knowing, but I'm sure it will be evident soon.

Anyway, here's the scoop. Remember when Britney started spending nights in hotels recenty, for no apparent reason? :crazy: Well, that night that she decided to go home at 2am, she came home and discovered that her mansion had been robbed.

What did they steal, you ask? Well, reportedly they got a bunch of raunchy home sex videos starring the fallen star, as well as some pretty repulsive photographs. They also supposedly made off with some kinky sex gear that Britney wears for bedroom games.

Well, I'm saying, with what she wears in public, how bizarre could her bedroom attire be? Scratch that… I really don' t want to know.

Ok, well, like I said, I don't know if it's true or not, but I did read it at an online news source. I also read that a guy from Hawaii is also claiming to have a sex tape of him having 25 minutes of "disappointing" sex with Britney. Word is, he's shopping it around, so that should be coming out soon – assuming it really exists. Not sure how legal it is, because supposedly Britney didn't know he was making a sex tape when she allegedly slept with him.

Britney Not On Drugs…

Today it has been reported that Britney Spears passed a drug test over the weekend. So now we know, it's just flat out insanity, rather than drugs making her act like a loon. I'm so over it.

BUT – it seems to run in the family. Did you see the video of Brit's younger sister, Jamie Lynn Spears going batshit and getting in someone's face because they were yelling that Britney wasn't welcome and she was making the neighborhood unsafe? Oh yeah, little Jamie got right up in the woman's face and dropped the F-bomb. Too funny.

And K-Fed… has anyone actually seen him with the kids since he got custody? I haven't. Why does he want them if he's not going to spend any time with them. Those poor kids. At least Britney is visiting with them now, in the presence of a parenting coach.

Well, that's my Britney rant for today. Hopefully, now that she's made up with her mom and sister, her life might improve a little bit. We can only hope.

Oh, one more Britney thing. TMZ had a picture of her yesterday biting a taco. Yeah. That was it. She was biting a taco and that made the "news" at TMZ. I'm waiting for the evidence to come out that she also uses 2-ply toilet paper. I mean, come on. I'm no fan of Britney, but give the bitch a break!

 

Britney Spears Loses Custody

I wish I could say I was surprised, and on some level maybe I am just a little bit.  Today a judge ruled that Britney Spears had until October 3 to give up physical custody of her two children to her ex, Kevin Federline. 

X17 says that Brit took the kids through a drive-through restaurant this afternoon and then handed them over to K-Fed's bodyguards 3 minutes later.

Last month Britney was ordered to have random drug testing 2x per week and to take parenting classes.  There are few details available about why the judge shifted the physical custody to K-Fed "until further notice" but it is assumed that Britney didn't fulfill one or more of the requirements that the judge had given her…or.. there is always the possibility that she failed a drug test…

So.. do you think the kids are going to be better off with Federline?

I Know Why Britney Shaved Her Head!

I have now figured out why Britney Spears shaved her head.  It wasn't drugs or alcohol, or the fact that her aunt died or even that her real hair was fried beyond any meaningful repair.

Walter has made me understand why Britney shaved her head.  He's in a toddler hair fetish phase right now.  I know that Britney has a couple of little kids and that had to be what drove her to it, because I can tell you now people – I am ready to go bald and shiny.  I will shave it off before I will let him pull it all out, bite it off or twist it out of my scalp.

I don't know why he has a sudden deep fascination with my hair.  Toddler psychosis.

It has gotten a bit longer lately since I've finally successfully grown out the haircut from hell.  It took about a year an a half to recover from a haircut 'Kari' at a local salon gave me.  I sat down in her chair and pointed to a poster on the wall with the haircut I wanted, which was basically a stacked bob.  Kari said "Oh yeah, everyone is getting that haircut."

When she was done I looked at it and umm.. I don't remember seeing anyone else with a cut quite like this.  I've seen better looking hair on a dog's ass.  Actually, I've seen better looking hair in a clump of cat vomit.  She had almost shaved my head up the back, cutting it to about an inch and a half long at the crown.  Then the sides were like puppy ears.

I remember calling my sister to tell her I had just gotten the bad haircut to end all bad haircuts.  Wendy said, "Oh, it's probably not bad, you just aren't used to it."

When Wendy saw me a few minutes later she was speechless.  She asked if I had paid for the haircut.  I did pay because I was too stunned to fight.  It was the only time I've ever not left a tip at a salon.  Later, Wendy, who is not a hair stylist, tried to trim it up and even it out for me.  She did her best, but there was not much that anyone could have done with it.  Come to think of it, if there ever was a time to shave my head, that would have been it.

So, now it's a year and a half later and I finally have a decent hair cut.  And now Walter has taken to biting it, twisting it, pulling it at random moments and rubbing my head to see how knotted up he can make it. 

Maybe I should track down Kari again and have it all cut off – nah, I'm not really a masochist. 

I asked Walter if he wanted me to shave my head and go prance around on stage in underwear to make a fool of myself and he said yes.  He would like it very much if I did.

I'm still considering my options. 

Britney Dumped Again

After her horrific VMA performance it was hard to believe things could get much worse for Britney. Her lawyer, Laura Wasser, had already dumped her and her custody battle with K-Fed is just heating up.

Today, not only did her manager dump her after representing her for just a month, but the "secret witness" was in court today. TMZ says that the witness was a former bodyguard for Britney and submitted a signed declaration to the court, but wasn't questioned or cross-examined by the judge or Britney's attorney in the custody case.

The former bodyguard is represented by Gloria Allred and his declaration reportedly alleged "nudity, drug abuse and saftey issues" with Britney after she left Promises rehab. The hired muscle worked with Britney during her "comeback tour" when she was making those mini-appearances at The House of Blues. He says he was fired when he didn't hear Britney ask him to pick up her hat.

Britney Spears On VMA

Ok, the MTV VMA (Video Music Awards – for those who live under a rock) show is on now.  I just watched the painful first 8 minutes, and I'm here to give you the rundown.  I would say highlights, but sadly there aren't any.

Of course, Britney Spears opened the show, as was widely anticipated.  She was wearing a body stocking up to her bra.. and I feel a little bad saying this but she looked chunky and had a very visible double chin.  She's way too heavy to be parading around in a bra and boy shorts, no matter how sparkly they are.

This was supposed to be her comeback performance and that is very sad for her.

She looked scared to death, lip-synched badly, was the worst dancer on the stage and was stiff, stiff, STIFF.  I'm sorry, but groping and being groped doesn't count as talent.  There were some marginally talented dancers on the stage, but Britney Spears wasn't one of them.  It was a trainwreck, but we've come to expect that from Britney.

What was all this about Criss Angel?  I had high hopes that at some point she was going to vanish off stage, or that there was going to be some kind of magical illusion.  I thought they said that's why she was spending the night with him all those times <naive me>.  There was nothing remotely magical about this performance.

Ok, so after Brit almost fell exiting the stage, Sarah Silverman came on and embarrassed herself almost as much as Britney.  She opened with Britney jokes.. calling Brit's kids "the cutest mistakes", and then it went downhill from there.  I don't want to get into the mechanics of the birth of Britney's kids here, but they did not come from her hairless vagina.

It was so embarrassing when they panned the audience during Britney's awful performance and no one was even interested and then during Silverman's set when no one was really laughing, just tight smiles and reserved chuckles here and there.  Silverman apologized, well kind of apologized, to Paris Hilton, who was in the audience and the silence was more than a little uncomfortable.

So after Silverman's very un-funny set she exited the stage and I left the room.  I hope the show got better from there.  Maybe after watching two careers end during the first 8 minutes they brought on some talent.  I don't know.  Maybe I'll watch the rest later if I hear that something good happened. 

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