There are a billion jobs that a marketing degree can get you; from head of a marketing team to the PR pawn running a company’s Facebook and Twitter, the corporate ladder of marketing is an extensive one. Advertising, promotions, sales, public relations, blah, blah blah. It isn’t always the most exciting thing in the world, especially when marketing stiff corporate products like Hilton Hotels, some snotty brand of wine or Michael Buble’s upcoming album. If you’re thinking of pursuing a marketing degree but don’t want to get stuck in the annals of modern day slavery, you’re out of luck. You can, however, at least choose a job that involves some sort of creativity or — even better — political activism. If you’ve always wanted to make a statement, stand out, or just be able to express your creativity while being showered with thousand dollar bills, there are some offbeat careers in marketing that may be for you. Here are some interesting, offbeat jobs you can earn with the help of a marketing degree.
Drugs. Everybody loves em. Even the Catholics. Rarely will you come across a person who doesn’t love their drugs. Weed, alcohol, cigarettes, antidepressants, anxiety medication, cocaine, vaccines, even cough syrup and simple headache relieving acetaminophen. With so many drugs to promote, how can you choose? Cocaine is out. So is stuff like meth and heroin (for now…just wait). Promoting alcohol and cigarettes has been done over a billion times; unless you want to think up new scenarios between that really hot girl and guy at the bar, forget it. Moving on to weed. Using your marketing degree to pursue a career promoting weed would actually be culturally significant; America is now hitting weed-puberty, and things are a’changin’. Legalization is sweeping the nation state by state, and legitimate marijuana growing and distributing plants are popping up just as quickly. However, many people still remain vehemently opposed to marijuana legalization, as the actions of crappy police against dispensaries have shown us. Legal, legitimate businesses are still raided and shut down due to the discrepancy between state and federal laws; that is, the state has legalized what the country has not. Therefore, the authorities create counterproductive situations in which time and money is wasted harassing innocent and peaceful business owners. Marketing degree to the rescue! Pot can’t defend itself; some of these businesses not only need promotional expertise from the guy with the marketing degree, but they also need clever, defensive, educational campaigns to intelligently spread the truth about marijuana. It would be nice if people realized that even though Satan probably smokes a ton of weed, there’s not much evil about it (unless you’re feeding it to your baby. Don’t do that).
Feeling evil and disappointed that pot can’t deliver the type of destruction and turmoil you had hoped? Not to worry, there are always behemoth black holes of death like Pfizer, a drug company which literally murders children each year with its experimental vaccines. If you really need a challenge, making them look good may be it.
Everyone knows that celebrities aren’t real people; they’re products! Like any successful product, the celebrity must be aggressively and tactfully marketed. Sometimes, tactfully means ‘tweeting nudes on VMA night’ or ‘releasing a sex tape because no one’s paying attention to me anymore’. Your marketing degree can get you hired by a celebrity, but if you’re fresh out of school, you may have to start with the beneath-the-boardwalk trash like Heidi Montag or Octomom. If you haven’t heard of those two people, it’s because they were marginally famous, mildly attractive women who became famous simply for being incredible attention whores. Marketing that kind of person must be annoying to say the least. Not only do the rabid crowds of celebrity gossip enthusiasts not care about either one, but they’re actually annoyed and tired of even hearing about them. Apply your marketing degree to that! What kind of campaign can save two shallow, vapid women who have done nothing for society but promote materialism and unabashedly express their obsession (mental illness) with fame? Again, not to worry. There are always more interesting, more attractive celebrities who are slowly degrading their letter grades from A to D. Lindsay Lohan would probably be fun to work with — kind of. Besides the exhaustion caused by trying to convince the world she isn’t a drug-addled retard, the perks probably include a ton of free cocaine and alcohol. Go Lindsay! Your marketing degree can also be of use to celebrities who are all fun and no high school drama, like comedians or the host of a children’s television show.
Yes, even abortion clinics have a marketing department with qualified degree holding professionals. More abortions! More abortions! No, that’s not right. Marketing an abortion clinic probably isn’t about tempting the young, poverty stricken drug addict to abort her crack baby. It’s most likely an attempt to keep the clinic’s name as clean as possible; those crazy Christians should be coming by with their graphic signs of mutilated babies any minute now. How can you show the public that your abortion clinic is actually pretty nice? You can’t say it outright; it just sounds wrong. You can’t talk about the cushy waiting room or the drugs they give you afterward. Don’t mention the sexy doctors. Instead, it would probably involve promoting the clinic as clean, safe, and discrete. If there’s another clinic across town, you’re in competition. The guy who has just earned his marketing degree might be tempted to pay off the Christians, sending them to the other place. The experienced degree-holder would probably do the same thing, come to think of it. Or maybe that’s just me.